Labour to expel all its members

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owen smith

The Labour party is to expel all its members before they can vote in the forthcoming leadership election and choose the wrong leader, according to a senior party source today.

Speaking to us via his diamond encrusted phone, former shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt said “Whenever you get lots of people enrolling to vote it spells trouble. And once you get lots of people suddenly politicised and united in their cause they invariably vote for a man with a beard. We had two options, make Owen Smith grow a beard, or sack the entire membership.

“Because the only way we’re going to win another general election is if we let Owen Smith and his Saatchi and Saatchi demeanour turn us right back into a faceless corporation that no longer cares about the poor, so some right wingers vote for us because they’ve mistaken us for the other lot.

“Of course…

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