Research has consistently shown that worryingly, reading tabloid newspapers such as the Sun, Express and Daily Mail causes contagious fatalism, addictive irritable incoherence syndrome, an anxiety-inducing pre-occupation with other people stealing tax-payers money – though usually only the poor – and a highly suggestible state with rash moral panic. These symptoms usually precede the completely incapacitating open mouth of closed-mind syndrome, leading to premature, ejaculated brain death.
Sociologists have discovered that many tabloid addicts have nasty outbreaks of brazen neighbours, usually from other countries, or with profound and suspicious disabilities. Some poor and rightously outraged readers have lazy single mothers, suspect-looking students, suspected immigrants or daring unemployed scrounger types living right next door or just down the street. This is usually preceded by a malignant disdain that is difficult to contain.
Although there has been fierce debate about the aetiology of this condition, sociologists believe that the cause precedes the…
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